Confidence? Man, we're talking about confidence?

Hey world, I'm back.

It's been a little bit since I wrote. Honestly, a lot of life has happened and I think I've been having a hard time dealing with it all. But we can break that down in another post.

Confidence. Such a seemingly surface level phenomena, isn't it? People comment on it similar to the trait of being beautiful. "That girl is SO confident!" And she probably is.

But what about those girls who used to spill over with confidence. Those who have had their sparkles dulled?

What if I told you I'm one of those girls?

The other day I asked my now fiancé ( one of those big life changes happening) does he remember me being more confident? What he said broke my heart. He went on to tell me that the girl he met used to be fearless. She used to be a go getter. She would never let anyone tell her she couldn't, whether that be at work or at the gym. She got shit DONE. She HANDLED her business.

..I remember her too. Then I thought back to the last 6 years. How each month that went by in the first half of those 6 years, broke me down farther. And farther. And farther.

I had mental breakdowns weekly, if not daily. I searched externally for my worth because that's what was preached from my employer. I would speak up, being welcomed in the room full of peers, to only be chastised behind closed doors. Every day they chipped away at my confidence, at my worth. Until it was all gone.

I developed stomach issues and sensitivities. I fantasized about hurting myself on the way to work. I became withdrawn and never wanted to leave the house. I gained weight. I looked to food for comfort. I stopped working out. I stopped being me.

So I left. Fast forward 3 years, I have a job that I love, but I'm still fighting for the girl I knew. I miss her. I miss her confidence. I miss her care free nature.

I miss being me.

The days continue to move

But I am stuck.

The days continue to grind

But I have no such luck.

I am drowning

In this sadness.

In this struggle.

I miss her.

Her light

Her love

Her view of what life could be

How can I get back to her?

What do I have to do?

Simple, answers the universe.

Just.

Be.

You.

But isn't that the hardest task of all?

Comments

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