Skip to main content

Confidence? Man, we're talking about confidence?

 Hey world, I'm back. 


It's been a little bit since I wrote. Honestly, a lot of life has happened and I think I've been having a hard time dealing with it all. But we can break that down in another post. 


Confidence. Such a seemingly surface level phenomena, isn't it? People comment on it similar to the trait of being beautiful. "That girl is SO confident!" And she probably is. 


But what about those girls who used to spill over with confidence. Those who have had their sparkles dulled? 


What if I told you I'm one of those girls? 


The other day I asked my now fiancé ( one of those big life changes happening) does he remember me being more confident? What he said broke my heart. He went on to tell me that the girl he met used to be fearless. She used to be a go getter. She would never let anyone tell her she couldn't, whether that be at work or at the gym. She got shit DONE. She HANDLED her business. 

..I remember her too. Then I thought back to the last 6 years. How each month that went by in the first half of those 6 years, broke me down farther. And farther. And farther. 


I had mental breakdowns weekly, if not daily. I searched externally for my worth because that's what was preached from my employer. I would speak up, being welcomed in the room full of peers, to only be chastised behind closed doors. Every day they chipped away at my confidence, at my worth. Until it was all gone. 

I developed stomach issues and sensitivities. I fantasized about hurting myself on the way to work. I became withdrawn and never wanted to leave the house. I gained weight. I looked to food for comfort. I stopped working out. I stopped being me. 


So I left. Fast forward 3 years, I have a job that I love, but I'm still fighting for the girl I knew. I miss her. I miss her confidence. I miss her care free nature. 


I miss being me. 






The days continue to move 

But I am stuck. 

The days continue to grind

But I have no such luck. 

I am drowning 

In this sadness. 

In this struggle. 

I miss her. 

Her light

Her love

Her view of what life could be 

How can I get back to her? 

What do I have to do? 

Simple, answers the universe. 

Just. 

Be. 

You. 


But isn't that the hardest task of all? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How'd we get here? A story of depression, triumph, and how fitness changed my whole life

Have you ever felt something so strongly, that you could no longer deny that the feeling was there? Maybe it was when you met the love of your life. Maybe it was when you bought that house in a new town, where you had to make new friends. Maybe it was when you realized you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. But what if that same gut feeling was telling you that it was time to leave your job, would you listen? Its been 5 months since I decided to listen to my gut feeling, my body’s energy, and decided to leave my full-time job. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. At 25 years old I already had this feeling of it being impossible to restart my life. At 25. Most of you reading this would say my life had just started, of course I can do a re-do! But in all honesty, nowadays if you’re not well into your career by 23, people start to question what it is you’re doing with your life. At 21, you’re supposed to know who you are, what you want your career to b...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's What's in Between your Ears that Matters

“Confidence is not what we’ve been told it is. Despite everything we’ve been told, confidence does not come from the experience of winning. True confidence comes from knowing you can give your absolute best effort in any given moment. Wheelhouse workout? Hell yeah. Workout full of weaknesses? Let’s f*ckin go. Never done this before in your life? I’ll figure it out. Confidence is being in complete control of how you respond to your circumstances, no matter what’s thrown at you. Do your circumstances influence your attitude and effort? Or can you perform to your potential anytime, anywhere, on any playing field? That’s confidence. And it’s a superpower.” - Christine Bald, CompTrain1 I read this blog that Ben Bergeron and his team put out after the first workout of The Open was released. The story was focused on Katrin Davisdottir and Brooke Wells going after their second attempt of 20.1. The post talked about their mindset of heading into the first redo of the season, mentioning ...
Post a Comment
Read more