Try. Then try again.

There are very few things in life that can make us stop in our tracks. That make our hearts drop into our stomachs. That make tears slowly fall from our eyes. One is love.

The other is fear.

In today’s world, fear seems to play a major role in our lives. We are afraid to move away from our hometowns. We’re afraid to try something new for fear of embarrassment. We are afraid to chase after our true potential. We are afraid to allow ourselves to become all that we are meant to be.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness

That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small

Does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking

So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,

As children do.

We were born to make manifest

The glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us;

It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

Fear. It’s crippling. It’s humbling. It’s enlightening. As I move through my years, I realize all of things that I am afraid of. My fears range from disappointing others, to living in the same spot my entire life, to regretting things I was afraid to do now, later in life. A few months ago, I was afraid that I would fail at achieving my dream. I was afraid that I would make a fool of myself for chasing something no one else understood. I was afraid that I was going to be the biggest disappointment to my parents, to my loved ones.

I was afraid to change to my life in order to find happiness. I was afraid to fail, to fall flat on my face. But I jumped anyways.

I guess the best way to tackle fear is to look at what has happened despite our fears. What we have accomplished because of our fears, our failures. For me, the most humbling “failure” was when I took my CrossFit Level 1 exam.

Since I started CrossFit 5 years ago, I knew I wanted to coach. Something inside me was burning to learn, to teach, to help others fall in love with this sport, health, and nutrition, as much as I did. I say it all the time, but CrossFit truly changed, and saved, my life.

As many of you know, in order to become a CrossFit coach, the first qualification you need is to get your Level 1 certificate. The exam is a 2 day course, workouts included, where you work with certified CrossFit trainers, and they review CrossFit’s foundational movements. There is also a written exam at the end of the weekend. In order to prepare for that portion, you are to study the Level 1 Training guide. By the time I finally decided to take my Level 1, I was at the start of what I now know as my depression at my full time job. I was training 40 hours a week for 2 months for this new position, while trying to study for the L1. At that time, I told my manager I was studying for this exam, to which he told me that I need to get my priorities together, that my hobbies did not outweigh my responsibilities at work. True, I thought, but this means much more to me than a hobby.

And so, I went away that weekend to take my exam at CrossFit Manayunk. A few weeks later, I got my results back.

I failed.

I remember being in that moment, the hurt that I felt all the way in my heart. How hard I sobbed I almost fell to the floor. Failed? How? How could I have failed? I read the material, took great notes, participated, and had been doing CrossFit for 3 years at that point. How could this be possible?

So I went to my coaches, we strategized, went over what we think I got wrong, tried to make sense of it in my brain. Then signed up for a retest in 2 months. I thought, it had to be a fluke, there’s no way. I was anxious to get coaching, to start interning, I wanted to advance. So, I started to study again. Only now at work, I decided that the position I was training for was not for me, long story short I got moved to yet another department. The training was easier, I already knew half the material, but my body was exhausted. At this point I was hardly working out, felt like sleeping all the time, and was trying to get my life back in order. My new manager saw how important this was for me to pass the L1, and so he made mentions about making sure that I passed this exam, how I needed to pass to open new doors.

I went back to take my exam, this time at CrossFit KOP. My coaches were excited, I was excited, but also anxious. I had not gone public about failing my first exam for fear of ridicule and embarrassment. All my other friends who took the exam passed on the first try! Why was I struggling so much?

I did not have to re do the whole weekend course this time, I simply showed up for the exam, took it, and left. I left feeling relieved. I nailed it, I thought. There’s no way I’m going to be disappointed again.

A few weeks after the exam, I got my results.

Fail. Again.

I stared at that email for a long time. How could this happen? This isn’t me, I don’t fail exams. I’m supposed to be smart, smarter than this. Wtf was happening? Once again I was embarrassed to tell people what had happened. What would they think? Would they call me a loser? A fraud? How could I have so much love, knowledge, and passion for this sport that I couldn’t pass this 50-question multiple choice exam??? I cried, for a long time. People would approach me and say, maybe this isn’t meant to be. Maybe I should reconsider what I’m trying to do with this. After facing those hard conversations, I decided to take some time off.

A few months later, I received another promotion and moved to yet another department. This department I knew no one and nothing. All I knew was that I work hard and learn fast. At this point was  just the beginning of the end of my deepest depression. I was getting back to the gym, eating healthier, and started to blog and vlog as a way to deal with all that had happened.

A few months into this new position I decided to try one more time. I printed out the Level 1 training guide, put it in a binder and studied it religiously every day. Rather than go out on lunch or hang out with friends, I would read and study. Everywhere I went, my binder came with me.

Fast forward, its August 2018 and I go in to take the exam for the third time. Because it was a year since my original exam, I had to take the entire course over again. I chose the test to be taken at CrossFit KOP. For those who don’t know, Amy Lyons owns KOP and is an absolutely amazing human being, of course she was not there when I went for my course, but just being at that box, there was a comfort being there. This time, I knew everything to expect, I felt much more prepared than I had been in the previous months. I was ready.

After having a fabulous weekend at the course, I went home. I called my coaches and said that I felt great, but that didn’t mean much. My one coach did have something to say. She said, “Even if you don’t pass, we’ll try again. If that’s the worse thing that can happen, then let it happen. We will just reevaluate and try again.”

It was that simple. It IS that simple. Fail, try again. Fail, try again. There is no shame in failing as long as we learn from our failures and try AGAIN. It doesn’t matter how many times we fail, or how many times we embarrass ourselves, because at the end of the day we are learning much more about ourselves than we ever would have if we just simply succeeded.

Later that week, I got the email while I was at work. I passed. I was officially a CrossFit Level 1 trainer. I tried to fight the tears of happiness while I was sitting at my desk, as my coworkers asked what was wrong, I said nothing. Nothing at all.

I passed. I finally passed.

Many people still don’t know that it took me three times to pass my L1. I used to be ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen, to fail for whatever reason. But as I’ve learned from my failure, it was all about timing. Had I passed the first time, I wouldn’t have had the chance to intern. My schedule was too hectic, too late in the day, it would have been next to impossible. When I finally passed it was a light that shone through, showing me the way out of this unhappiness I had been living. It showed me there was another path that I could take. That path led me to inquiring about internships at other CrossFit boxes, which led to me applying to get a master’s degree in a new field of study, which led me to leave my full time job, which led to me being able to chase my dream of coaching.

Failure happens for a reason. I no longer fear what is on the other side of failure. Of course, I still worry, still get anxious about the unknown, but there is comfort knowing that you have the power to change your trajectory at any given moment. There is no reason to fear the unknown because there is always a chance to try again. The fear we have of failure is only powered by the energy that you give it. Without holding onto our fear, our failures, we open ourselves up to new possibilities, new opportunities.

All we must do, is let go and never stop trying.